October is national breast cancer awareness month. All month long stores are flooded with shelves of pink. With the swipe of a credit card, consumers can feel a small sense of contribution. Purchase a pink DVD cover and join a movement. Marketing execs across the country have struck a cord in the hearts of the American people. We increase the billion dollar industry of breast cancer research and awareness in addition to the $872 million in federal funding every year. 1 in 8 women are personally affected by this cancer and thousands more know someone who is. (Fewer accurate statistics exist on men given the stigma of it).
But this story isn't about breast cancer. I'm here to speak of a different tragic killer that effects 1 in 3 women. Research isn't well funded so that number is conservative. It's a silent killer that slowly takes it's victim in a friendly, quiet and deceptive way. Sadly, we don't purchase water bottles for it's public awareness at the Kohl's store checkout counter.
She said it was the first time he hit her. She was in shock covered over with shame. Unknowingly she had gone into survivor mode, immediately canceling appointments and finding alternative ways to get things accomplished without leaving the house. Didn't want to expose her bruised face. There goes fresh groceries for the week. He'll probably get mad at her for that.
I asked if she felt he had abused her verbally or mentally before this and she laughed at the question. Of course... I knew it was a ridiculous question. He started to beat up her brain long before he beat up her face. "Yeah he always talks down to me...guess I never thought of it as abuse" she said. Then the tears came, and she had to go.
Five minutes of him and she's re-arranging the next three weeks of her life. Five minutes of his selfishness and she's lost her sense of self. "Swelling has to go down" she told me. But I knew that recovering from swelling was simple compared to what else she's left to repair. Now she questions where safety is and if love will be there too.
She's misunderstood. We politely go about our day with a smile, biting back the questions we want to ask her when we see her at the bank. We're busy people you know and have errands to run. Besides it's rude to intrude on someone. We don't want to assume...right? Don't want to say anything in front of her children (as if they're immune to the abuse). Or we talk about her over lunch where we're quick to bite the back of her neck with angry blame that's fueled by our ignorance. "What happened? How do you think she upset him?"
She thinks:
I can't tell anyone because they'll say they told me to leave him.
I can't tell anyone because my partner is a woman and they hate me already for being gay.
I can't tell anyone because he's a Pastor.
I can't tell anyone because I'm scared if police get involved my kids will stay with him. I'm undocumented.
I can't tell anyone because we're grandparents and no one thinks this happens.
I can't tell anyone because he said if I do he'll hurt my daughter. Then he'll kill me.
I can't tell anyone because she's respected in the military. She says it's hard enough being female and a colonel.
I can't tell anybody because they're all so happy that I'm a breast cancer survivor. That's what they want to celebrate and I've gotten too much attention already. Everyone thinks my life was saved but they don't know I'm already dead. So you'll pat his back for being brave and I'll embrace you as you hug me, flood my research, run for me and smile. Because no one wants to talk about domestic violence and abuse. It would ruin the atmosphere.
After all, pink is such a pretty color. Purple looks too much like my bruises. . .
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
To donate to national Domestic Violence awareness and services click here: http://www.thehotline.org/support-the-national-domestic-violence-hotline/make-a-donation/
To donate to Domestic Violence services in Colorado click here:
https://co.clickandpledge.com/sp/d1/default.aspx?wid=38533
To find out how to tell your congressperson or representative that you want to see change concerning Domestic Violence in your area, click here:
http://www.nnedv.org/docs/Policy/In-District_Lobbying_Guide_-_General_2011.pdf
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